dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
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[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
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BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
the three genders
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone