dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
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My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
why am I working on Labor Day
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]