Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.