Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

Mhm.

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

How do I get a job writing these texts

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.