Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

Who chose this font

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.