An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
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How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.