“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
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Every Adele song is about lasagna.
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
That’s easy for you to say
