“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
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I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
murder on the timeline
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.