“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
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word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.