Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

A choir of Spring onions