Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.