Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
road rage
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
5 ways to appear taller
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.