Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender