Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.