Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
If only.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower