Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.