Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

If you’re testing me, we failed.

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days