Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
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Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-