Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

“What movie?” 🤔

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

Hear me out: WrestleVania

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING