Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
You Might Also Like
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Was it something I said?
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Britain be like
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.