Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
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Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
is it earth
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.