Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
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daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.