Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

The future is now.

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.