Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.