Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI