Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.