Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
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Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
But I really needed water water water
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Is anyone gonna tell them?
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school