Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined