Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
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That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
selfie game
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.