Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
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Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Life cycle of cat
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Bringing home a sharpie
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.