Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
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Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Just as the prophecy foretold
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣