Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector