Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
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I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad