Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

Note to self: I am a note

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.