Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
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“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Word!
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival