Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️