Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

I’m giving up for Lent.

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

What even happened today?

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

“How’s your day going?”

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”