Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
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Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Where’s my employee discount too?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward