Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try