Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
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What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Spring of Deception
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”