Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
You Might Also Like
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.