Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
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Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.