Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
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i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.