don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
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The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.