don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
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I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
How software testing works
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
my mom making me talk to relatives
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates