Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

do u think theres a butter planet?

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.