Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
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*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”