Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?