Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
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*pronounces fake like saké*
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*