Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.