Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
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A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Muppet Screams
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse