Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

This meal prepping shit easy

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery