Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
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95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
oh she’s cooked
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.