Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
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I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Look, a pure bread cat!
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Now, where’s the sport in that?
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.