Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
You Might Also Like
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
incredible
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last