Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
You Might Also Like
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
When you’re here for the treats.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.