Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?