Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog