Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
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Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
this will hang in the louvre one day
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”