Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
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just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you