Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
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i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
out-housing market appears to be strong
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.