Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

What the hell happened in there??

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.