Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
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Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
uh oh
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*