@Peauxtassium

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

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@ArfMeasures

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

@Cpin42

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

@pharmasean

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

@BoomBoomBetty

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

@Lilbyrdy

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

@brianbowman73

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

@KeetPotato

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

@Shen_the_Bird

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

@The_Dingus_Khan

Has your mom ever mailed you McDonald’s gift cards in a letter about why she’s pissed at you or are you normal?

@Julian_Deane

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?