Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

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Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate


Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.


Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup


My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.


I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.


kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”


her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey


Has your mom ever mailed you McDonald’s gift cards in a letter about why she’s pissed at you or are you normal?


With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?