Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
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TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
titanic
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.