Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

nice challenge

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

Rt to bother an English speaker

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo