Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
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Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.