Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
You Might Also Like
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.