Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
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Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin