don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
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WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Best spot.. 😅
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done