don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
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We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I’d love this…lol
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.