Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.