Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

Forever 21… pounds overweight

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

Breaking news:

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.