Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
You Might Also Like
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”