Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
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I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.