Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
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Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
