Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

ㅤ

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

Cashiers are always checking me out

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

No one:

London landlords:

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS