Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
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Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.