I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
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[first day of work as a 911 operator]
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
“Here’s what I would do…”
– me, giving bad advice
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Dad Rabbit: Who is this
Daughter Rabbit: My BF
Emo BF Rabbit: gotta go babe, My band Bad Hare Cut has practice *flips ears away from eyes
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?